Oopps

 Oopps. I missed a post for March.

This became a monthly thing, I know. Better something than nothing I guess.

So, what's up?

I had a very strong dream yesterday, of a baby (I don't know the gender, but I assume a boy), of thunderstorm with tsunami so strong it built a wall of sand in the shore. It flooded us even if we are on a very high floor, that strong of a typhoon. We even lost electricity in my dream.

It's obvious something is going on inside my head, and in my emotions that I created monstrous weather in my dream.

Before I sleep last night, I was writing few of my new long and short term goals. Simple, achievable goals. Nothing grand. Because I know deep inside I'm really longing for change. I again let go of myself, back to the old weight. And I can feel how heavy I am.

I get tired easily. I'm irritated. Lethargic.

There's reason in everything, I tell myself. The fact that my sleep has been so erratic for the last 6 months because of the kids' school schedule. 

Am I bothered because people will say "O, tumaba ka na naman?"

Superficial f*ck. Not sorry.

Just now while cleaning the kitchen, my head is swarmed with memories of the deads.

Dead? Yep. My aunts and grandfathers and grandmothers. Those who already left us behind.

There's my aunt on my mother's side--we call her Sanse. The most beautiful of them all. She was Mrs. Brgy. Lingunan, and I believe no one was crowned after her reign. She was that pretty. She's very sweet. If I could still remember it clearly--she's meztiza with curly light brown hair. Her smile is my favorite thing. Because her face light up whenever she smile.

It's like the sun knows when to shine on her.

But the pretty face didn't help while she was battling ovarian cancer. That shine turned to darkness. Her death was the most painful death I have witnessed.

Then there's my mother's eldest sister. Ninang Pining as we call her. Everyone knows her for being masungit. She's very strong, not physically. She's what we know as Tiger Aunt or fierce in the world if Beyonce.

Now I realized, if Ninang still lives today--in a corporate world let's say, she'll be what we call Girl Boss.

She's smart. She's intuitive. She's cut-throat.

Yet, by the end of her life, she lost all of it to Alzheimer's--until she also forgot not only her loved ones but also her self.

Then, my mother. Corazon. If Sanse is the reigning beauty queen, my mother will be the Miss Congeniality.

She's so light. Easy to be with. She's playful, smart, charismatic. Everyone loves my Nanay.

On her second year in high school, she decided to dropped out because of her terror math teacher. I know, if my mother was able to finish her education, she would have been a successful career woman because she's got the heart and attitude to make it.

But of course, her fate was shortened by breast cancer that killed her at age of 58.

What am I talking here? Why am I dwelling to all this?

Maybe to reason back as to why I should not beat my self up for gaining back my weight loss that will not excuse me to death.

Not beauty. Not intelligence nor the whole community that loves you will be able to save you to the final destiny that everyone has in common.

And maybe, I'm into this because of the fact that my OB-GYNE saw an anomaly on my endometrial wall. F*ck. I know. haha!

I have to wait for another half a month to either get cleared or get totally f*cked.

Yep. I'm to what they call...pre-cancer. Who gives that term anyway?

What's that really means. A maybe you will or you will not?

Whatever. 

Ok, I need to end here. Till next time.